definitely a mad man with a blue box

“There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.” ⎯ The Tenth Doctor

tell me there is more out there for me.

by Kimberly Ang

In 24 hours time I will be the airport, anxiously waiting to go through the departure gates. Sitting at home right now and thinking about it is both exhilarating and dreadful at the same time. Most of my classmates should be flying off about now, I am glad I am not with them. It would be a wonderful time to disappear for a few hours alone and have some time to myself. Of course if I could maintain my spot in Business Class would be an added bonus but I’m surprised with myself, honestly, for not being used to my complete and utter suay-ness and disappointment already. So much for always having hope.

War with the luggage today proved trying. It was a constant back and forth dilemma between having what I want (ideally) and having what is necessary. I freaked out with the sheer amount of things I realised I had to pack and the weather was driving me crazy and my mum took over for me. Vacuum packing my sweaters was really eye opening though, I never knew how powerful vacuum packing somethings were. My sweater literally shrank to the thickness of my basics. If only other things like my waist could also be vacuum packed. I guess it is the same with the tummy tuck. Here I am, going off on a morbid tangent again.

I really am thankful for the break overseas, which could not come at a better time, forcing me out of my reclusion and really just going into the world without having my world breathing down the back of my neck. I’m looking forward to that honestly. I am so so tired of people weighing me down.

I’m sorry we left things hanging, K. I don’t know if you will ever read my blog, but I’m just a little bit sad we never got the chance we both wanted. Perhaps it was timing. Perhaps we had it all, the intention and chemistry, but we did not have the timing needed for us. And that is okay. I do wish you well, and I believe the whole world between us will change when I come back. So all I do, really, is wish you well and may better things come for you, as they will for me.

I think I’m ready to fly.

Living with Anxiety

by Kimberly Ang

I do not have a medically diagnosed anxiety issue. I believe that it is more common than people make it out to be, and not everyone manifest it as often or extreme as others, and therefore there really is no need for medical intervention. Because really, there is no pill that could make everything okay, or even make my brain believe that everything is okay. I think that there is a certain number of us who are normal as normal would be, and then there are the little triggers, and suddenly we don’t feel so normal anymore. We are thrust into a situation where we feel so caught in the middle, having to handle this sudden lack of control we feel and still acting like we are normal, and I guess when you push it too far, you get anxiety attacks.

It starts small, like a little gnawing feeling you have in your stomach. Excitement, anxious? Maybe. Then this feeling starts to grow, and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach, in the depths of your lungs. You begin to feel like you’re drowning on air. Your hands start to shake and that is when you feel like I’ve completely lost control and everything is just spiralling out of control, right before your very eyes. The worst part about this is that you know you shouldn’t be feeling this way, you know that you can be rational about it, but yet your breaths become shallow and your hands full out tremble and it aches deep within you, like something needing to burst out yet consuming you at the same time. Someone talks to you like it’s any other conversation and you cannot say much because you feel like you could lose it anytime.

And then you’re reminded that people do no expect this from you, because you are a Christian. You should be relying on God, you should have faith that God is in control of your life. Ergo, you should not be suffering from anxiety because you should know that God is in control of you life and you can never feel like you’re losing control of it because it is not your for you to control.

What a load of bullshit. Daily I face the losing end of my anxiety attacks. Some days are better, some days are not. Some days do get better, but it’s always still a battle lost, because I lose myself even for a certain period of my day. And the stigma that comes with it weighs heavily on my shoulders. You can never feel okay with it. People may tell you it’s okay but you know you aren’t, you’re just caught in a vicious cycle of emotions that threaten to eat you up.

But I’m learning to be okay with no being okay. If you get what I mean.

I Love You – Alex & Sierra

by Kimberly Ang

 

I fell in love with a beautiful boy
And you still take my breath away
When you left it was the end of my world
‘Cause I never got to say
That I love you
More than you think I do

They remind me of Us The Duo, version 2.0. But I quite like their sound more than Us The Duo (sorry, but No Matter Where You Are is a really lovely track though). I think that couples that perform together, and grow individually and together through their art is so amazing, and they are so strong.

Alright, I stumbled on them because apparently this track is written by Harry Styles (and internet wonders if this was written about Taylor Swift?). On the other hand, Wikipedia says others wise. I mean about Harry Styles being a writer of the track, that is. Who knows, but its a really pretty song.

I am in love with a boy who takes my breath away, simply just by being.

by Kimberly Ang

So, guess who got tickets to see McFly at the O2 over Easter weekend?

That’s right, ME!! 11 years I have been waiting for this moment, 11 years after Room on the Third Floor. Years after dreams of watching them at Wembley Arena and more recently, their 10th anniversary at King Albert Hall, I AM FINALLY GOING TO WATCH MCFLY LIVE.

Although it would be correct to call them McBusted now.

I love love McFly and the evolution of their music since 2004, I think it’s so amazing to listen to the maturity of their lyrics and sound now, but I miss all the old stuff. The super punky band music. I love Busted as well, after all they were my accompaniment for 3am study sessions during A Levels.

And so the seats are the block at the back of the stadium but I think after 11 years, it does not matter where I am, I just want to hear them live. I was to listen to Star Girl and Danny singing Bubblewrap. I’m forgoing One Direction in Singapore to channel them money into McBusted, especially since I’ll have to fly in from Dublin for the weekend but IT IS GOING TO BE WORTH IT.

I am really mad excited.

15 Doctor Who Quotes That Will Have You Missing David Tennant Until The End Of Time

by Kimberly Ang

Favourite Doctor ever. Sorry Matt Smith, but there is just something that lights up in his eyes when he is the Doctor.

Thought Catalog

I loved Chris Eccleston as the 9th Doctor and Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor even more, but David Tennant as the 10th Doctor just holds a special place in my heart. I can’t pinpoint all of the reasons; I’m sure it has to do with his lopsided grin, crazy eyebrows, and even crazier eyes though.
There’s no one to turn to. Because who’s gonna believe the things you see out of the corner of your eye? No one. Except me.
So, you find a breach, probe it, the sphere comes through, 600 feet above London, BAM! It leaves a hole in the fabric of reality. And that hole, you think: “Should we leave it alone, should we back off, should we play it safe?” NAH, you think: “Let’s make it BIGGER!”
And I suppose… if it’s my last chance to say it… Rose Tyler…

tumblr_mx3opdtJoR1rg6zpxo1_500 image – Doctor Who

I’m…

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365 / 001.

by Kimberly Ang

2014 was like a cliched roller coaster ride. It had highs and lows, twists and turns that you could not anticipate feeling. There were slow ascends, when you could not help but worry when you would peak, forgetting to marvel the view as you got higher until you finally peaked and the view took your breath away. And for that moment, you forgot the only way is down, that came fast without a moment’s notice. But it’s okay because you come back up again. You go right and left, but eventually you reach your destination.

In 2014, I –

  • learnt that I could be a fighter. I fought so hard for you, for us. And then I had the courage to chose to stop fighting, because I realised that some people are just worth fighting for. But you are not one of them, and that is okay. One that I’ll find someone worth fighting with my life for. And maybe one day you’ll find someone you chose to fight for.
  • had my heart broken. It didn’t feel broken as it felt empty. Like I had a void eating me from the inside, a hollow presence. It was not like a hole where I started to lose bits and pieces of myself, it just felt like a vacuum, void of space and time.
  • had my heart lovingly filled by God with the wise guidance of qy and the lovely people around me. It began a journey of self-love, and being filled with the love of the Lord daily so that I no longer craved from love from the world.
  • made a covenant with God, and looking back there has been a lot of growth since then.
  • pushed myself in my ministry. Two camps and an opportunity to lead. Thank God for the Survival Camp committee and the Camp Explorer committee, you all were amazing people to work with who taught me bits and pieces along the way. For the amazing mentors who taught, for the volunteers for giving me your support.
  • actually cried non-stop for 2 hours, and I don’t really know why. I know what triggered it, but I don’t know why I was crying so badly. I think it could be pent up frustration and exasperation and desperation. But that night I realised there are amazing people who would sit there for hours with my snot and babbles. I believed healing took place that night.
  • found direction in my ministry, because an awesome much of mates I met at Camp Explorer.
  • battled with tiresome FYP, spent hours and hours cooped up with group mates, non- stop typing and editing. Screaming and crying, we came out with top presentation of our category.
  • graduated, actually feeling accomplished.
  • started work, struggled so much with dying to self, humility and putting on a smile no matter how much you wanted to strangle your patient. Feeling so exhausted and fake at the end of the day, wondering if you became a slave to your patients. Love it, hated it, not sure what to conclude about it after all. But the people make things better.
  • ended work and went back to school, dealing with new systems, new expectations, constantly feeling lost and currently still feeling lost about such things. Dealing with things as they come because that is life.
  • had been faulted of “poor English” because of incoherent ideas. I DO NOT HAVE POOR ENGLISH, my writing may not be at affluent as it used to be but I definitely do not have poor English. You have no idea how much I wanted to strangle my prof when he said that.
  • chose to spend New Year’s Eve with my family, because no matter what, they are the closest thing to God on earth.

Happy 2015, God speed.

You and I, we could be infinite.

by Kimberly Ang

I feel like I’m supposed to be mad. I’m supposed to be like the raging tempest, the inconsolable howling of the wind. But inside I feel like the steady beating of your heart, the constant fall of rain.

I wonder why I could feel so much peace inside, but I think it’s simply this; you are more than enough for me. We cannot be limited by something as momentary as time. We have infinite time in between spaces. It’s not our time, not even close. We’re just a bump before a cosmic collision.

by Kimberly Ang

Happy birthday friend. It has been what, 3 years, since you went away? I’ve lost count. And yet these years just seem to come and go like anything. Feels like barely a day ago you had the world. And then you didn’t.

For some unknown reason that possessed me to actually click and see whose birthday it was today on Facebook, I was really stunned that the one out of many many times I would actually check whose birthday it was instead of letting it appear on my feed, it had to be yours. God I love your profile picture. I didn’t want to say anything, I thought it was not right of me to say something if others were determined to finally let you go. But you know what? We all still remember, the amazing being you were. I don’t think we can ever forget, it’s just that lesser of us can bring ourselves to show it.

So happy birthday friend, where ever you are.

The process of writing an assignment.

by Kimberly Ang

Essays writing always goes through the same process, greatness takes a while. It takes a lot of spinning in the chair, staring out of the window, examination of nails. It takes a bunch of Spotify music browsing, playlists, Tumblr searches of said artists. It takes a lot of Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, and Brave Frontier. It takes a bunch of half typed sentences and a whole lot more of the window switching.

Then it takes the final full stop, no turning back.

by Kimberly Ang

I dreamt of you again last night.

I saw you for a second, I told you I wanted Macs breakfast. The next moment, you disappeared. I never got to say hi. And I really want to talk to you, I never do get the chance. It’s like I could constantly bump into anyone in the world but I never do seem to bump into you. Even if we are in the same place. Even when we stay near each other, going to the same place at the same time.

It’s like I always just miss you. And I’m constantly missing you, and searching for you. It’s like my soul knows that you’re near, but can never figure out where.

How funny that I’m listening to One Direction to soothe myself. Night Changes is my favourite Christmas release this year (thank you video).