Living with Anxiety

by Kimberly Ang

I do not have a medically diagnosed anxiety issue. I believe that it is more common than people make it out to be, and not everyone manifest it as often or extreme as others, and therefore there really is no need for medical intervention. Because really, there is no pill that could make everything okay, or even make my brain believe that everything is okay. I think that there is a certain number of us who are normal as normal would be, and then there are the little triggers, and suddenly we don’t feel so normal anymore. We are thrust into a situation where we feel so caught in the middle, having to handle this sudden lack of control we feel and still acting like we are normal, and I guess when you push it too far, you get anxiety attacks.

It starts small, like a little gnawing feeling you have in your stomach. Excitement, anxious? Maybe. Then this feeling starts to grow, and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach, in the depths of your lungs. You begin to feel like you’re drowning on air. Your hands start to shake and that is when you feel like I’ve completely lost control and everything is just spiralling out of control, right before your very eyes. The worst part about this is that you know you shouldn’t be feeling this way, you know that you can be rational about it, but yet your breaths become shallow and your hands full out tremble and it aches deep within you, like something needing to burst out yet consuming you at the same time. Someone talks to you like it’s any other conversation and you cannot say much because you feel like you could lose it anytime.

And then you’re reminded that people do no expect this from you, because you are a Christian. You should be relying on God, you should have faith that God is in control of your life. Ergo, you should not be suffering from anxiety because you should know that God is in control of you life and you can never feel like you’re losing control of it because it is not your for you to control.

What a load of bullshit. Daily I face the losing end of my anxiety attacks. Some days are better, some days are not. Some days do get better, but it’s always still a battle lost, because I lose myself even for a certain period of my day. And the stigma that comes with it weighs heavily on my shoulders. You can never feel okay with it. People may tell you it’s okay but you know you aren’t, you’re just caught in a vicious cycle of emotions that threaten to eat you up.

But I’m learning to be okay with no being okay. If you get what I mean.