What have we become?

by Kimberly Ang

What draws the line between love and familiarity? What shows me “I’m hanging on because I know there is something more for us” as compared to “I’m holding on because I don’t know what lies ahead. What if you are already the best thing that could happen to me?”

What if I’ve used up my criteria of a good thing in my life. What if I’m just afraid to be lonely?

More often than not I’ve been contemplating things that I would never want to say for fear of my world imploding, for feeling like a terrible person to admit such things to myself, much less someone else.

I never asked for much. All I want really is to have maybe a few phone calls a week, out of the blue. I want to have dinner with you, but I’d also like it very much if you did the asking because we have not seen each other in a week. I wish you had the decency to inform me when things are difficult for you, when you are not able to do something we planned to do because circumstances just aren’t ideal at the moment, and trust me enough that I will not react in the worst possible way in your head, because I know you already expect the worst from me, and that just makes me sad. I’d love it if you remember the small little things. I don’t need big gestures, but I’d like the small little things that matter the most to me mean something to you as well. Trust me enough to share things about your life with me. What is this bullshit rubbish about losing your independence? Just because you tell me things doesn’t mean you are dependent on me. I don’t expect myself to have to get involved or solve your problems. Similarly when I tell you things maybe all I want is some empathy or a hug from you. I’m not expecting you to solve my problems, nor do I ever want to be dependent on you ether (you and I know how reliable you are. Be honest.) When I come with you with something, take it as it means something to me, and perhaps it bothers me. Like I said, I don’t need you to solve my problems nor do I want it to become you issue either. Just trust that you are a listening ear.

Can we work though this, or are we a time-bomb?