You Could’ve Been The One Who Saved Me
by Kimberly Ang
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two..
I’m officially 22 today! And so today demarcates the beginning of another year in my life. I generally find that birthdays are sort of like one’s personal New Year of sorts, where everything that we achieve in a year can be in relation to our age, as we are expected to learn and grow as we grow older (but of course at humans, some things will just never change). Being 21 was such a trying age, my 21s year of life was practically a non-stop up and down roller coaster that promised no sense of security. Within the last one year i have finished off 5 blocks of clinicals with school and exams in between, fail and retook one of these blocks, have seen myself from being the worst possible physiotherapy student with the worst skills imaginable and basically a shame to the profession to being a student that excels in areas I’m not even interested in.
I basically have discovered within the last year that I might be somewhat mildly depressed (although it’s said that depressed people usually don’t recognise it for themselves. I don’t know, it could be because I am somewhat mildly depressed and see things with much more clarity and realistic than the other extremes) and I’m also dealing with anxiety issues. Not that I really know what are the anxiety issues that are causing all my crazy mood swings, but I think my general OCD/procrastination stem out from some unresolved anxiety issues. Or that is my theory, when I’m one of my pensive moods to figure it all out. I don’t know, I don’t think I’ll ever know. All I know is I have bouts of craziness that when pass feel all blurry and cloudy and seemingly all part of a dream, which all the more makes me think I might have bouts of depression. But I digress, these issues have surfaced and I’m dealing with them, all within the last 21 years. I’m determined not to feed my sadness but I’m really just going to implode if I do.
Another weird thing is that my episodes are worse when I’m NOT actually having clinicals. I guess being busy keeps my constantly occupied.
So I think there is one person I need to thank for this past year of craziness, someone who has been by my side the whole way through and been on the receiving end of so much of my shit it’s unbelievable, someone who has become so precious and dear to me:
My dearest Tim, I know things haven’t always been smooth sailing the past year plus. Sometimes it feels like more often than not things are going terrible. But these little moments of horror between scan never make me forget the wonderful times we’ve had together the past year or so. We’ve come so far and we’ve grown so much, and when I look back and see where we are right now, I can’t help but feel proud. Hey darling, we’re hanging in there, we’re doing good. I know at times I am the most horrible person in the world, and you don’t know how to deal with all the crap that I throw your way because honestly, I don’t even know how to deal with it because I don’t even know from what deep seated part of me it comes from. I know I have frustrated you and pissed you off to no end, and I know that there have been times you really just wanted to turn your back and walk away, but you always cam back and stayed. I apologise if for that moment I ever took you for granted, because looking back, I can always see how much you only want the best for me. What I really want now is to make you happy. I’m sorry for always being impatient with you. I could never thank you enough for being nothing short of you, and giving me all your love even when I don’t deserve it. I love you ❤