Burn Brighter

by Kimberly Ang

Repost from whimsicalwordplays.tumblr.com:

I unknowingly received some rather devastating news in the morning. It’s not like I didn’t see it coming, but somehow it was like I was still holding on to the hope that things wouldn’t be so bad and something’s god to give. But alas, the universe dug the hole that I’m in just a foot deeper and I struggle so hard not to give up the fight of building my ladder, although frankly I’m feeling rather weary right now.

I try to remind myself of how it felt like just yesterday when I was so charged with excitement of things to come, things that I really wanted to do. The boy couldn’t believe how happy I was yesterday. But today was a mighty fine slap int he face with reality, and I couldn’t help but shed a bit of tears, face or no face.

Sometimes I feel like the digestive biscuit that I use to make the base of my cheesecake. So crumbly, and to be forced under the weight of my rolling pin to be crumbled so fine that it couldn’t possibly crumble any further. it becomes nothing but a dust, so lightweight that even if the slightest wind blew there was no way it could hold it’s ground. And next hot butter is poured in, and oh it must hurt to soak in something so hot it scalds. then to be pressed into the pan with a fork, mercilessly forced into shape. And lastly it is put into the fridge to harden.

I’ve never felt so badly for my poor digestive biscuits like I do now. They really have gone through a lot.

I guess the people who always look on the bright side would tell you that in the end your biscuit base comes out new and delicious, and it fulfilled what it was meant to do. It’s true, though you probably can’t help feeling sorry for the biscuit anyway, it never asked for things to be that hard.

I guess what I’m just saying is that I know I’m going through all the moulding and squishing, with all the stirring and mess ups, having crumbled and uncomfortable situations poured all over me, I should take heart that one day I’ll be the person I am meant to be, that things do eventually have to fall into place, but as of now I really cannot see this. I am crippled by fear that I have created a domino effect so powerful that I have no inkling of how to begin salvaging it, or if I even have the capacity to salvage it. I’ll be stuck in the life that has spiralled out of control.

It shouldn’t be so hard, it shouldn’t have to be this way. There should be a way out and it shouldn’t be so scary. Something good should balance the bad. Or is it scary now because I don’t really want the ending that I know I will get, not anymore?

Ironically, the phrase “and that’s the way the cookie crumbles” comes into mind. Even proverbs mock me.